Philosophy

i can be rather contradicting at times.

the boyfriend is out with his friends. i guess this is what i can do while waiting for him to get home.

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it's funny & strange how when i said that i've sorta decided to delete this blog but yet i still log back right into blogger.com & post this entry. i guess feelings do build up when you've wrote down so many happenings on an online diary. the place where you pen down almost everything in your life & express those untold feelings in the heart. my blog is the place where i've wrote down a numerous sorts of feelings of bitter & sweet. this blog is the 'person' that i've shared most of my feelings to apart from the boyfriend & my closet friends. a blog is also the heaven that allows me to spill everything out during my sad & happy moments without anyone feeling irritated or intimidated by all my ramblings.

well, alot had happened recently. arguments with the boyfriend, my mom & the sudden swelling of my knee. it's tiring. those mixed feelings are like tearing me apart. but of course, things are okay now. (: & i'm really glad that it's all over.

the thing with the boyfriend was horrible. i guess both of us hurt each other deeply. i felt & still is feeling bad for what i've done. maybe if i hadn't got into the car, none of that would have happened. but i supposed god works in his mysterious ways to let life goes as it is to be filled with ups & downs. to teach us to be wiser & more philosophical. although things happened, but i'm glad everything is all over. it taught me a great lesson to appreciate you. i learn to love you deeper & care for you more. it's not the same as before but i know it's a new beginning. tho' i have to admit i have doubts on myself whether if i can cope with it but deep down, everything is worth it. i love you, baby.

as for my mom, she's been a great companion & i love her much for it. tho' i did not tell her the sad things that happened to me even if i wanted to. it wasn't necessary for her to worry stuffs like these about me. she had enough in hands to make her stressed out & intensed. i don't wish to add any extra burden on her. i realised that it's harder to keep things quiet & hide away my feelings from her. but that's what i had to do.

as for my knee. oh only god knows what's wrong with it 'cuz i dunno either. i'm going for treatment & i'm unable to go to school for 2 weeks. it's such a long time & i can't afford to miss any classes before the upcoming trials. well, i guess at least i can study more at home.

with all these put together, it was more than enough to kill me! it was suicidal. but i'm glad i had mun, leon & chooming encouraging me to cope thru it & stand strong. i was touched by their words. those words said reminded me of so many things. they played over & over again in my head. it was as tho' the msgs are already recoreded & saved in there. it always bring fresh tears that sting my eyes. i'm really grateful to have you guys at my weakest of point & my darkest of sorrows. but i supposed words obviously can't describe the gratitude of it.

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anyways, enough of those. all of a sudden i felt emo. it's amazing how i could type all those out without crying anymore. (: i've learn to stand strong or at least i think i am standing strong. lol! day's been boring. been stucked at home studying & just watching dramas in between resting hours. i miss my friends in school. come to think of it, i'm getting rather tired of studying but knowing me, i still need to have a book there with me regardless whether i'm resting or not. i need to read something at least be it novels, model test papers or magazines.

friday is the 8th. it's gonna be the 16th month soon. i really hope mom would let me go out on that day despite that i can't walk that much. but i really wanna walk for a bit & be out from the house. & what's worse, i couldn't get the bf anything, being stucked at home & all. maybe something simple will do, hopefully he doesn't mind. wanted plan a surprise but seemingly i don't think it'll work now. oh well.

yay. the boyfriend is back. well, toodles for now. gosh, i've been rambling away so much that i don't even rmb what i've just wrote. this is the weirdest entry, i guess it's because it's past bed time. feeling a lil' wuzzy.

signed out *