(:

Happy New Year.

Could this be a new year that I'll remember?

Brand New

Stop asking me how I feel about going over to UK, people. Honestly, I dunno. I dunno what or how I'm supposed to feel. Well, I don't feel anything yet, but I'm sure those nerve-racking feelings will come soon enough since there's only 3 days left before I'm gonna fly off. *sighs* I hope I don't cry too much...

Christmas came & went just like that. I don't find it special, in fact, it's just like every other days to me. Stayed at home the whole day on Christmas & spent my time watching movies at home on the laptop. I think I watched 5! lol! Started off with Made of Honour, The Love Guru, The House Bunny, Definitely Maybe then lastly Connected. I'd say it's pretty fun & peaceful. I didn't have to think or worry 'bout anything; I laughed most of the time. It's a good thing I guess. (: That's the amazing part of watching romantic comedies, they never failed to crack me up & make me forget about all the pain. ;p

*

I'll be going to pasar malam later with him. I dunno what I should feel about that too. I think it's gonna be the same as usual but just a tiny bit different, I suppose... What am I saying, it's never gonna be the same. But oh well, this is life, what's meant to happen has to happen. I just need to accept just the way it is.

*

It's the 31st tmr. Wow, time sure flies. I really wanna go for the New Year countdown but dad said he's tired & all. *sighs* I didn't even go for last year's... & I don't have any other friends to go with, they prolly have plans. Even the cousin wanna go, but there's no one in particular who can really bring us there. How pathetic. *sighs* I hope things'll turn around tmr. *fingers crossed*

I miss you...

Full-Stop

Now that I know wishes don't actually come true, well, I suppose fairy-tales don't either. You put a full-stop half way through the chapters... Who am I to change everything? & I thought that you're everything I've got. I thought you're the reason for everything. I guess I was very wrong...

*

Goodness, Ying Wen, you're worth more. Stop thinking yourself as a cheap & shallow person. I have friends & families that care. I do not need to linger on the past. A past that will always haunt me nonetheless. But I guess I have to deal with it. I have to be the happy person again. Walk on a fresh & brighter path, I deserve more. I deserve better. *toast to a new beginning*

Yeah...

Merry Christmas, Ying Wen.

& now there's only me.

Dragged Deep Down & Under

Some friends can be the stupidest people on earth.

I thought that friends are the people whom I can trust & depend on, but things are the other way round instead. I may not be the material for a Chinese-act sorta friend but still, I'm a person with dignity & pride. I still believe that the most essential elements in a TRUE (yes, note that i bold & enlarge 'true') friendship are loyalty & respect. God damn it, RESPECT is the freaking most important thing. If you guys really think that being all friendly & nice, or worse, PRETENDING to be nice is gonna get my attention & let my guard down, good for you guys then, y'all fucking got me. I pretty much see your true colours now; I guess 3 years can change everything huh? Well, now, I really don't give a damn to who you people have become. You guys have really proven me of what "great friends" you people are. Yeah, you fucking shown it! Thanks for all the troubles you've put me through from sending your stuff all the way to town & getting fined as well. Not to mention by ditching me too; don't you guys have a lil' self-respect at least? If you don't want me there, just fucking say it. Why wanna drag the time to the very last minute? Damn pathetic, okay! You think I have all the freaking god damn time? I have other better friends to hang out with & getting my chores done. & if I were to predict this would happen, I won't even bother showing up. Seriously, if I were you people, I'll dig a hole & hide there for the rest of my life.

*

Well, I've changed as well in these 3 years, but I think I've changed in a way far better than before to be a wiser, more matured, sensible & more outgoing person. & I honestly have to thank my friends from KL & also waiyi who were & STILL are there for me whenever & wherever I am, from cheering me up to making me so mad! lol! Now, I know why I can't call JB my home even though I thought it is; KL is my home, where I truly belong, my birthplace... it's in my blood & soul...

**

Names are not stated, but if any of you* happen to come across my blog, read it & know who & what I'm referring to, well, I hope it makes you* realise the state you guys have put me through. & honestly, I won't give a flying fuck about how you* feel now. I'm through with you people!

signed out*

Killing Me Softly

Sometimes, you gotta be tougher than you really are. You will not know what's gonna happen next. & sadly, the news can just slap you right across the face with no sign of warning.


I know I'm a lil' late to say "SPM's FREAKING OVER!" now. But, heck, I'm too happy to actually blog about it & I rather use those free time to go shopping & hang out instead. Those sleepless nights for the big exams were really worth it. God knows what's gonna happen when results' out next year. Oh well, it's not the time to fret 'bout exams now...

*

It's almost a week since I finished my papers; been shopping & going out alot lately. & I finally got the stuffs that I anticipated for! A new phone & a laptop! *jumps for joy* :D I got a new Sony Vaio & it's the princess pink edition! I can bid farewell to my old Sony Ericsson Z530i & welcome my new Sony Ericsson C905! *squeals* My parents can pamper me alot sometimes... *sigh happily* lol!

Cousin's back from Australia; stayed over her place for 5 days. & I'm missing her laughter & her jokes. Hopefully I'll get to spend some more time with her before leaving for UK. =/ this is definitely gonna be tough. I'm excited to start a new life being in college & everything, learning new stuffs; but there's a part of me that I'm worried of what my path is gonna be... I suppose I just have to wait & see.

I hate my boyfriend sometimes.

Uncoil Me

When I thought freedom is within my reach, it had to drift few inches further to remind me that I still have to stretch a lil' more to grasp hold of it. Pathetic-ism.

Trials started on the 2nd of September.

Just when I thought it was all over after 2 long weeks of sleepless nights & paper cuts, everything had to start from scratch tomorrow.

Half down, another half to go.

Fingers-tightly-crossed.

Complications

There's only 4 months & 3 weeks left before leaving all of these behind. What if I don't wanna leave any of it behind?

Phobia

i still fear of what i shouldn't. why is it still bothering me?

trust. learn the word, yingwen. learn the word.

Philosophy

i can be rather contradicting at times.

the boyfriend is out with his friends. i guess this is what i can do while waiting for him to get home.

*

it's funny & strange how when i said that i've sorta decided to delete this blog but yet i still log back right into blogger.com & post this entry. i guess feelings do build up when you've wrote down so many happenings on an online diary. the place where you pen down almost everything in your life & express those untold feelings in the heart. my blog is the place where i've wrote down a numerous sorts of feelings of bitter & sweet. this blog is the 'person' that i've shared most of my feelings to apart from the boyfriend & my closet friends. a blog is also the heaven that allows me to spill everything out during my sad & happy moments without anyone feeling irritated or intimidated by all my ramblings.

well, alot had happened recently. arguments with the boyfriend, my mom & the sudden swelling of my knee. it's tiring. those mixed feelings are like tearing me apart. but of course, things are okay now. (: & i'm really glad that it's all over.

the thing with the boyfriend was horrible. i guess both of us hurt each other deeply. i felt & still is feeling bad for what i've done. maybe if i hadn't got into the car, none of that would have happened. but i supposed god works in his mysterious ways to let life goes as it is to be filled with ups & downs. to teach us to be wiser & more philosophical. although things happened, but i'm glad everything is all over. it taught me a great lesson to appreciate you. i learn to love you deeper & care for you more. it's not the same as before but i know it's a new beginning. tho' i have to admit i have doubts on myself whether if i can cope with it but deep down, everything is worth it. i love you, baby.

as for my mom, she's been a great companion & i love her much for it. tho' i did not tell her the sad things that happened to me even if i wanted to. it wasn't necessary for her to worry stuffs like these about me. she had enough in hands to make her stressed out & intensed. i don't wish to add any extra burden on her. i realised that it's harder to keep things quiet & hide away my feelings from her. but that's what i had to do.

as for my knee. oh only god knows what's wrong with it 'cuz i dunno either. i'm going for treatment & i'm unable to go to school for 2 weeks. it's such a long time & i can't afford to miss any classes before the upcoming trials. well, i guess at least i can study more at home.

with all these put together, it was more than enough to kill me! it was suicidal. but i'm glad i had mun, leon & chooming encouraging me to cope thru it & stand strong. i was touched by their words. those words said reminded me of so many things. they played over & over again in my head. it was as tho' the msgs are already recoreded & saved in there. it always bring fresh tears that sting my eyes. i'm really grateful to have you guys at my weakest of point & my darkest of sorrows. but i supposed words obviously can't describe the gratitude of it.

***

anyways, enough of those. all of a sudden i felt emo. it's amazing how i could type all those out without crying anymore. (: i've learn to stand strong or at least i think i am standing strong. lol! day's been boring. been stucked at home studying & just watching dramas in between resting hours. i miss my friends in school. come to think of it, i'm getting rather tired of studying but knowing me, i still need to have a book there with me regardless whether i'm resting or not. i need to read something at least be it novels, model test papers or magazines.

friday is the 8th. it's gonna be the 16th month soon. i really hope mom would let me go out on that day despite that i can't walk that much. but i really wanna walk for a bit & be out from the house. & what's worse, i couldn't get the bf anything, being stucked at home & all. maybe something simple will do, hopefully he doesn't mind. wanted plan a surprise but seemingly i don't think it'll work now. oh well.

yay. the boyfriend is back. well, toodles for now. gosh, i've been rambling away so much that i don't even rmb what i've just wrote. this is the weirdest entry, i guess it's because it's past bed time. feeling a lil' wuzzy.

signed out *

More Than What You Thought

only to those who know me well enough. i heart you guys.

What Choong Ying Wen Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life. You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone. Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts. You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it. You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator! You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

i had nothing better to do & so that's the reason for this. somehow, after reading what came up as the result, it kinda make me realise that it's partly true. & it spooks me. =/

Kiss My Ass Goodbye

it's funny to know that there are two contradicting sides of a person.

Twilight of Aggravation

history is condemned to repeat itself.


& once again, just when you think that everything's over, it had to wash & slap you across the face. to remind you of the past. to remind you of what you did. to remind you that your heart still aches from the pain.

memories are often known as sweet. but there are bitter moments that ppl remember. nothing in the world is perfect, no one is flawless. but of course, it doesn't mean we can't hope or wish for things to go our way. it doesn't necessarily conclude that we're on our own, draggin' our feet on the untrodden paths & conceding shadows of others'. at least, now i know that i won't always be alone. i know that you're still gonna be there. at least i'll know that i don't have to face the cruelty alone.

even if it means i'm gonna lose everything, there's a thought of it that counts. there's a heart that cares. & there's the memories that will put me thru it all.

if only you knew.

Fast Forward

why does always bad moments have to last longer than the good ones?


it's making me sick & tired of trying to get over the phobia (yes, i fear exams. literally have a phobia) of having exams to be over. it's monday today & i have 3 more days left before we go for the mid year break. but those 3 days seems so long away plus i have exams as well. i'm drenched out of having facts & formulae getting implanted in my brains, it's like it's gonna explode & squish out from my skull! sheesh. the day is dragging itself. i can't wait for exams to be over but come to think of it, the next exams i'll be facing will be trials which i think is hell alot worse.

just stab me please. anything. oh, what the heck, i have to live through it. no matter how much i'm complaining, i need to face it nevertheless. ):

i always thought reality is a lesson to learn for me to stand strong & suck in everything i've got to face the world. but you know what, i'm out of breath. seriously. i need a break but it always bring guilt in the end.

Karma

i just had a deja vu.

anyways, mid-year is around the corner. precisely, on the 14th of may. ): boohoo. stressing moments of life once again. how i wish i'm a super genius, memorising & storing every single piece of information in my oh so squishy brain.

i have a big feeling that i won't do well for my mid year. well, come to think of it, i said the same old thing everytime when i have an exam -.-

i need serious motivations.

i have a sudden urge to delete this blog & create a new one on wordpress.com. so depressing!

***

it's the o8.o4.o8.
the day that marks a year.

- loves.`

i wish i knew more.
i wish i wasn't this way.
i wish that i don't have to pretend to like you.
i wish that i do not need to hide my inner feelings.
i wish that you can just get out of my life.

i wish, i wish, i wish ... stupid!

***

oh oh, happy april fool! :D

***

i'm having a flu. =/

things hasn't been the same & i have this huge-ass feeling that everything that i'm going through right now will just spill over. i'm at the brink of falling apart. i dunno who i am anymore. i can't find the one i was before, & the feeling is so not right. i tried so hard to be okay, telling myself to be who i was before. but my brains are not sending the right impulses to make my body work that way. sleeping is harder than before now, i don't get proper gdnight sleep anymore & it scares me. what is wrong with me? & sometimes, even if there are so many people around me, i will still feel so alone. i feel tired of everything, i want things to work out fine, but what's the point wanting something that i know will not happen? maybe i lost hope & faith to believe in myself. i just want to get over everything that's bothering me.

but the worse thing is, i don't even know what's bothering me ...

i'm so frustrated that i didn't even bother to give this post a title.

New Year's Tipsy Turvy.

omg! i drank something with alcohol for the first time!

apart from, shandy that is. -.-

i drank vodka mixed with juice at walter's new year's party just now!
vodka.
sheesh.

i'm so dead if my parents find out.

*eyes opened wide*

shhh.

off to bed, bitch!

signed out. *

Neglected Christmas.

this is what i do on christmas day. [ 25.12.07 ]

sit around at home. blogging.

where i could have been out & come back to blog about it.

oh well.
lol. at least i have waiyi to accompany me. ;p